wall of mess

I often find myself in Holy Spirit conversations stretching into supernatural space that tends to freak people out. My sharing today is in hopes of normalizing conversations around an active and alive Holy Spirit that is a very real force for God’s Kingdom…that makes people very uncomfortable. But if there is anything I have discovered within discipleship is that until conversation around Holy Spirit is normalized…you are not going to get far trying to be more and more like Jesus.

Have I lost you? It’s okay. But if I haven’t freaked you out, grab a drink and come along for this ride.

God and I have Holy Spirit conversations that sometimes track through years of my life in chats God and I have been having. For me, because it is unique to every person, the Spirit points me to Bible passages or verses highlighting something specific God is trying to speak into me. This has been happening for the majority of my believing life.

The Spirit topic I am reflecting on today actually started in August of 2014 when I was living in Haiti. Yes, yes…that long ago. I honestly thought I had written about my ‘wall of mess’ in this space but realized today there is no reference to it. And that is truly unfortunate, because my small group at the time thought I was channeling Rain Man as page after page would get taped to my wall. It is quite the Spirit story that has been like a rooted vine weaving in my life over the last 8 years.  

Sometimes the things God is working in us feel like they need to be protected. Not a secret, per se, but protected from eyes and words that might try to steer you in a direction away from where God is leading. Maybe it is because that has happened to me in the past, maybe it is because I truly value my relationship with God as being between us…but either way, I feel led to share it now.

On August 9th of 2014, I had a group in Haiti with some family dynamics that led me to pray into the early morning hours on their last night in Haiti. During that time of prayer, God brought me to the book of Malachi, which wasn’t a huge surprise because I am a prophet junky and Malachi is all about broken relationships, people actually acting like they followed God and justice for the fatherless and widows. I mean, it plays out, right?

I would sit with the words in Malachi for months, and I would lovingly refer to it as the ‘Wall of Mess.’ I didn’t know why I was immersing myself into so many Bible verses and obsessing over the Hebrew translations of the words I was sitting with until late October.

Malachi starts with, “I have loved you,” says the Lord. “But you ask, ‘How have you loved us?’”

How many times have you had that thought? How have you loved ME, Lord? With so much going on in the world, how have you loved ME? Have you forgotten ME?

Maybe you haven’t thought it, but maybe you should. You might be surprised by the answer.

The amount of time I spent with God over those months was intense. I am a quality time person, and God was speaking my love language through the Holy Spirit.

The verses and passages that the Spirit led me to were some of my favorites that I wasn’t surprised by:

Isaiah 58

Exodus 33:12-23

Psalm 27:7-14

Isaiah 42:9

Micah 6:8

John 15:13-19

1 John 4:13-19

Words and phrases that came out of the ‘Wall of Mess’ were remnant, return, refine, restore relationships, chosen, God sent, rise, healing, turn hearts, rooted, receive, fear, justice, orphan prevention and not ashamed.

The obsession level to figure out what God was trying to say to me was unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

I would stand in front of all the pages taped to the wall in my room in Haiti with a cup of coffee and read over every single page every morning praying, “God help me to see what you want me to see. Open my eyes. Holy Spirit, you are welcome here.”

I obsessed over Hebrew in the Old Testament passages and Greek in the New Testament passages, convinced that I was missing something in the translations I was looking at in my Bibles.

Words linked to words that led to Bibles passages that led to more Bible passages, and every single one was another page taped up on the wall.

On October 21, I was standing there with my coffee when the Spirit flooded me to the point, I felt like it washed over me leaving behind a tangible electric feeling. It was then I heard that every single page, every single minute spent with the ‘Wall of Mess’ was how deep, unstoppable, never ending and consistent God’s love was for me. I do nothing to earn it. I do nothing to work for it. It just is.

I also realized how much time God and I had been spending together over those months. The closeness of our relationship was intense. I can never say I don’t have an example in my life where my relationship with God was on excellent terms and I always know how to get back into that space with him.

I kind of love how Malachi means ‘my messenger’ in Hebrew, because that completely fits that God used Malachi as the conduit for his message of love for me. And it continues to serve as that reminder very frequently.  

On November 19, 2018 I wrote in my Bible, “God has been leading me back to this – I think so I am refilled with his message to me of unstoppable, pursuant, extravagant LOVE for me.”

I don’t believe in ‘coincidences’ or ‘mistakes,’ and it is not lost on me that I’m writing this almost exactly 8 years since I finally realized what the ‘Wall of Mess’ was all about. And that I’m at a time in my life that a reminder of how I am loved by God is not a bad thing.

Sidenote – this is the bonus story – because I was looking to tag the Wall of Mess blog post in the actual Holy Spirit story I was going to share today and found I’d never written it out in this space.

May the God of the entire universe speak into you how personal, pursuing, and unique his love is for YOU.

Credit: to all of those who have been asking me why I haven’t been writing more.


2 thoughts on “wall of mess

  1. I love this. Thank you so much for writing what must be difficult to describe, since so often the Holy Spirit shows up in the most unique ways and as you said, most personal ways.

    This is beautiful. I’m so glad you shared it.




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